 Jason
and I were expecting our first child Jan 7, 1998. We were so happy. I had
a fairly normal pregnancy. A few times I bled, and every time they tested
my urine I had protein and blood in it, but my doctor said that it was
because a pregnancy is hard on your kidneys and I had trouble with mine
when I was a kid. We had an ultrasound at ten weeks. We had another one
around 6 months. It was a boy!!! We were all preparing for our child; it
was my parents first grandchild. We did his room in Winnie the Pooh with
all beautiful new crib, changing table and dresser, all in natural
wood. It was a sleigh crib. I had two baby showers. Jason's brother and
his wife were due one month after us and we went to Lamaze together. Jason
had a pager and we were ready. No one believed this child would come early
because it was my first pregnancy. Then at about 10 o'clock on the 23rd of December I didn't feel right. Everyone said when your in labor you will know and I didn't know so I figured I wasn't. I kept sitting on the toilet and I tried: Tylenol, Tums, eating something, resting anything. Then I went to the bathroom again. Blood. I yelled for Jason's mom. She came running down she said it was okay we were just going to have a baby. It was my plug." She had me call the doctor. by now it was midnight. The doctor had me go to the hospital because of the bleeding. I called my husband to have him meet us there. Jason's dad grabbed the camera and drove. Jason had beat us there and he said," this better be the real thing.":) I will never forget them putting me in a room and checking me the nurse said, "this is a little more blood than usual, but I won't consider it out of the norm." And that was it. They said I could go home and wait for it to progress and come back or stay an hour and see if it progressed but then I had to stay. I chose to stay because we lived a half hour away. Everything seemed normal the contractions, they had a belt for the heart beat on when I wasn't walking or in the shower. Finally I remember taking another shower, rocking in the chair, and laying down. (this was almost 11 o'clock on Christmas eve day. Then I felt a small gush and got scared and I thought oh this is my water and letting go. I said I think my water broke. Jason's mom lifted up the blanket and yelled "It's not her water." She ran to the hall and a doctor I didn't know happened to be there came rushing in he checked me and attacked the heart monitor to Joey's head. I hadn't seen the blood I had no idea what was happening. The doctor looked up and said," we are going for the c-section now." The nurse started to put a catheter in and the doctor said there is no time for that move. She began rolling me down the hall faster than my IV and I said something about it and I will never forget her face. It was like you don't know yet. Are you crazy lady? We have to move who cares about your arm. She didn't have to say it was then I realized this was serious. I was calling for Jason and they said they would get him. They put me in the room and as they were moving me on the operating table I saw the mattress covered in blood. And I looked over and saw his heart rate dropping down 30... I just freaked. I thought it was my blood and I was dying I just yelled, "I am dying save my baby." over and over. I asked them to knock me out so I didn't have to be awake when I died. I know now that made no sense. I remember the nurse asking if papers had been signed and he said there wasn't time. I really thought it was me and not him. I was ready to go and leave my baby there. I woke up with a sharp stabbing pain across my stomach. I had to be told over and over what had happened. I wanted them to baptize my Joey. The pastor that married my husband and I came right away and baptized him and I was unable to be there, but he saved the shell he used. I was sick when I was a baby. I was not supposed to live through the night and my parents baptized me and here I still was so I wanted to save my baby. I wanted to see him. They brought me to him on my bed before they put me in my room. He just laid there. He couldn't see, hear, or feel me touch him. They said when they took him out he was still born that they worked on him and filled him back with blood and brought him back but he was basically brain dead. He could do nothing on his own he was on life support. He couldn't swallow or even cough up mucus. They said he wouldn't live through the night and he did. They wanted us to decide to take him of life support. Four days after his birth we did. Our families filled two rooms and we all took turns holding him and kissing him. We were all filled with such pain. We had been taking pictures and video all along. Finally that evening a nurse came in and said I don't think it will happen tonight. So we stayed we held him the whole time we sang "you are my sunshine my only sunshine..." Soon we turned off the camera and he started looking grey. Then on January 7, 1998, the day he was to be born, he died. Our parents had lived in the hospital with us and held him too we were all there. He died the day after he met his cousin Garrett. They were nine months apart they were to have been the best of friends. The pain was too great to go home and see all his stuff so we stayed at my parents the first night. I cuddled the toilet that night. I had had to carry him wrapped in a white blanket out of the hospital and give him to the funeral lady to prepare him for his resting place. I remember telling him I wasn't done I had so much to give and he had so many people. I hated seeing baby commercials, seeing babies, and the baby mail. We had to plan a funeral. We picked out his spot, his coffin, and his stone. Everything felt unreal. His funeral my sister in law sang the song by Eric Clapton that goes Would you know my name "If I saw you in Heaven would it be the same if I saw you in heaven...", I can't remember the name right now. And my dad read a poem he wrote. I had drawn Pooh on a blanket and my Grandmother stitched it and that was displayed along with a poster of his photos for those who never met him and those who did. When I had to leave him to be buried that was the hardest. He had already been gone we had just held his live body, but now I had to let go and he was my BABY. Not my parent or grandparent. Times were hard. Some people were wonderful, but others said oh you can have another one or others. The best thing that was said was that they didn't know what to say. We tried to move on and decided to have another baby. We would never let go of or forget our Joey, but we still had so much to give. We started trying right away. I was bleeding bad after Joey's birth and for a long time. I think my doctor was avoiding me. I kept calling and they even said it was just a period and put me on birth control. Finally 10 weeks after the birth of my son they realized I had contacted a STAPH infection from the emergency C-section. They gave my medicine and I thought nothing of it except whew I could have died from that they should have caught it sooner. We kept trying. My Grandfather died the following December and I had also had blood tests to see if I was ovulating. Yep. Then in March my 20 year old cousin died in a car accident at the same time we were buying a house. Is it ever going to end?? By now we were thinking why aren't we pregnant? I went and had a test done in June were they run dye through your tubes to see if they were blocked. I waited for those tests like mad. Finally the results were in they were blocked one had an operating chance. How? you ask? It was the staph infection it went untreated too long. I called Jason's mom and we got a lawyer. We felt that they needed to at least pay for all the future medical bills we would have because we were still going to have a baby even if I had to have in-vitro fertilization. We met with our lawyers and started everything. We had an appointment to see the fertility experts. I felt that I walked in that hospital with a healthy child, healthy and able to conceive and I walked out with none of them and that wasn't acceptable. Then about a month and a half later my sister in law stopped over. We started talking about everything and I was upset. I had stopped having a period and was afraid that I wasn't ovulating and would never have a baby. She said, " no I bet you are pregnant." She convinced me to go to her house and take a test. And I.... Was PREGNANT!! I started calls right away to my parents my dad asked me if I believed in miracles yet. Well, we had an ultrasound right away because of the tubal blockage they wanted to be sure it was in the uterus. It was and the blood tests showed a strong pregnancy. They wouldn't say for sure but I guess that happens sometimes after the dye tests. Opens it up enough for one to sneak by. What a scary pregnancy. The color ultrasound showed no vasa previa. And that we were having a girl. Joey had a little sister. We decided to have another C-section two weeks early to be very safe since Joey came early and having a C-section would save the baby with vasa previa we decided to be very safe. On March 10th I went in for my c-section our parents got to watch through the window and they let us tape her birth. For those of you who think that's gross you couldn't see anything but her because it was so bright in there. Anyway Jason's aunt was there she is a NICU nurse! They held her up over the curtain and I said," She has hair. I love you guys." We named her Alexandra because if Joey had been a girl that would have been his name. Ali shared a part of her life with her brother when she was growing inside me because that is were he lived his life. That is were he could hear and feel his mommy. Now Alexandra is almost ten months and very happy. We take her to see her brother and his tree that we planted at the hospital for him with a beautiful plaque. She will always know she has a big brother. We make pumpkins for him at Halloween and eggs at Easter and a small tree for Christmas. Joey's third birthday just passed this Christmas Eve. It is hard to see all Alexandra's cousins with their older brothers Alexandra is the only one without hers to play with. All four of Jason's brothers and sisters had boys first and then girls. I hope she never feels left out. I know I do. Thank you for reading my story it wasn't easy to write or fit all those feelings in. My husband doesn't really talk about the pain, but we watch his tape now and then and look at his photos daily. We had him for 14 days and held him, but we will love him forever. |